Clare is a Cheesy Lobster Head on Bread
by limwen
Summary: Well, dont read it yet, a cuz Laura must post Paart one up firstly, ok? Laura has posted Paart one up firstly! Read at own risk. No lobsters were harmed in the making of this story.
1. Chapter negative 1

**A/N: Hello everyone! Or no one! Whatever... This is ride-on-Bon, hacking limwen's account because she told me to post my part I. So, here I am. Except, this be not Part I. This be the prologue-y thing. The original. Which I wrote. When I was 12. And then re-made when I was 14. And edited slightly ever since then. I am not responsible for anything written in the original, at all, as it was a very long time ago (eye twitches). So ... onward! **

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**CLARE IS A CHEESY LOBSTER HEAD ON BREAD – the original version**

Tonight was the night of the big Hogwarts dance. Clare, as usual, was very unprepared. Arielle and Laura, on the other hand, had been preparing since the beginning of the school year. Laura was going with Harry (yes, this is a fictional story), Arielle was going with Orlando Bloom (can't we all dream ?) and Clare was without a date, for now:. We find the story beginning right about now. 

"You guys!" shrieked Clare bursting into the fifth year girls' dormitory with a grin. "Guess what?"

"Clare!" Arielle yelled, who was trying to do Laura's makeup. "Look what you made me do!"

"What did you do?" cried Laura, reaching for the mirror.

"Stop!" ordered Arielle. "I can fix it!"

She pulled Laura back and rubbed Laura's eye with a tissue wet with eye makeup remover.

"Hello!" Clare said, putting her hands on her hips. "I said 'guess what?'"

"Oh," Arielle replied carelessly. "What?"

"I'm going to the dance with Ron!"

Laura raised her eyebrows. "Oh _really, _Clare, I'm glad you're seeing new people." Laura said with tons of sarcasm that Clare didn't seem to hear.

"I know, isn't it great?!"

Laura was about to burst with laughter.

"Oh, laugh while you can, Laura," Clare said, her chest swelling, "but wait till you see what I'm wearing!"

"I can't even imagine," Arielle muttered under her breath.

"I'm going to be a lobster!" Clare announced happily.

"Can I see your outfit?" Arielle asked.

"Oh, you will wish it was yours when you see it!"

Arielle was wearing a short royal blue Japanese style dress and had chopsticks in a bun in the back of her head. Laura was wearing a black mini skirt and a light purple belly-button shirt. It was also in a Japanese style but with a few differences. On the top right corner of the shirt was Laura's first name written in cursive in a slightly darker thread. Little baby blue stars and moons were in a line across her shoulders. But neither girls' outfits were quite as unique as Clare's. Because when she came out of the bathroom she was dressed in a lobster suit.

"Wow, Clare," Laura said, trying not to laugh. "That's really … um … creative…?"

"It was Julie's idea!" Clare said happily.

"I'm sure it was," Laura muttered.

"Clare," Arielle said, raising her eyebrows, "this isn't a costume dance."

"I know!" Clare said. "Why'd you ask?"

"No reason," Arielle said turning back to Laura.

That night Laura was sitting in a chair in the common room, her legs swinging freely over the armrest. Arielle was leaning against the back of Laura's chair with Orlando Bloom. Harry was standing next to Laura's chair looking at Laura, who found it very annoying.

"Where's Clare and/or Ron?" asked Laura, looking up both the girls' and boys' staircases.

A scream issued from the girls' dormitory. Five seconds later, Clare appeared on the top balcony. Harry and Orlando Bloom turned away 'cos all Clare was wearing was a towel.

"What's wrong, Clare?" asked Laura, smiling.

"I can't find my lobster suit!" wailed Clare.

"Oh, that's too bad," Arielle said, trying to keep a straight face. "If you can't find it, you'll just have to wear something else!"

Clare let out a little moan and hurried back into her dorm. Ten seconds later, Ron appeared at the foot of the boys' staircase.

"Where's Clare?" he asked.

"She's in hysterics about lobsters, but she'll be out here in a sec."

"Lobsters?" said Ron.

"Yes lobsters," Arielle replied.

"Oh, will you look at the time!" Laura cried, checking her wrist that didn't have a watch. "Harry, we're going to be late!"

"No, we're not-" Harry started, but Laura elbowed him to make him shut up.

"See ya, bye!" yelled Laura, dragging Harry through the Portrait Hole.

"You know what, I think we'll go too!" Arielle announced as she and Orlando Bloom hurried out of the common room too.

Ten minutes later, Clare and Ron still hadn't arrived at the dance. Arielle and Orlando Bloom were dancing romantically. Laura was leaning against the wall in manifest boredom. Her normally pale face was flushed since no one had even thought that it might be a tad warm with every student in Hogwarts now in the Great Hall. It was stuffy and warm. Laura was upset and definitely close to tears. The whole point of coming here was to annoy Cho by dancing with Harry. But no! Harry wasn't asking her to dance and if she had to wait another thirty seconds she was walking out… But wait! Harry was walking over to her. Laura stood up straight and added in a perfect hair-flip for good luck.

"Hi, Harry!" Laura squeaked happily.

"Um…" he stammered. "Hi, Laura."

"Listen," he said, "do you…"

"Of course!" cried Laura eagerly.

Harry looked at her oddly. "Did you take your medicine today?" Harry teased.

Laura hit him playfully.

"So," Harry continued, "like I was saying, do you know where Clare and Ron are?"

Laura was so shocked that Harry hadn't asked her to dance that her legs felt like jello and she collapsed. She hadn't fainted but just fallen.

"Are you OK?" asked Harry, extending his hand to help her up.

Laura hoped no one had seen, but in a nanosecond, Madame Pomfrey was upon them.

"No-I-don't-need-the-hospital-wing!" gasped Laura as Madame Pomfrey grabbed her arm firmly and attempted to drag her to the hospital wing.

But would she succeed? Fat chance. Laura grabbed a table corner to prevent herself from being taken any further.

"Come on, Miss. Weatherer," insisted Madame Pomfrey, "you're obviously ill, passing out like that!"

"I didn't pass out," cried Laura, "I just tripped!"

Madame Pomfrey stopped and released Laura's arm. "Did you really?"

"Yeah, I-" started Laura, but Cho Chang who was now next to Madame Pomfrey cut her off.

"I don't think she did just trip," Cho announced. "Her cheeks are really pink and the rest of her face is really pale…"

"My cheeks are always really pink and the rest of my face is always really pale," argued Laura, though no one seemed to have heard.

"Miss. Chang, you're absolutely right!" Madame Pomfrey said, staring at Laura. "Let's go down to the hospital wing, my dear." Madame Pomfrey took Laura's arm once more and attempted to drag her out of the Great Hall.

Laura stuck her tongue out at Cho when Madame Pomfrey wasn't looking. Cho just grinned evilly and gave Laura a small wave. The only good thing about Cho doing this was that Harry was glaring at Cho like she was Peter or Andrew after they'd done something _really _evil. Harry hurried towards Laura. He shoved Cho out of his way. Little hearts started to dance around Laura's head.

"Madame Pomfrey!" Harry interrupted. "It's not Laura's fault she fainted; it's really hot in here. She just got dizzy! We should open a door or window or something!"

"You're right!" Madame Pomfrey said. "I'll open one on our way out."

Darn it. Laura was sure that lie (wasn't Harry getting good at lying?) would work.

Then suddenly, a bang echoed through the Great Hall like a clap of thunder. Every student's head automatically turned. Standing in the doorway was… (No, not Clare, Ron, Mr. A, Ms. Fitz, Voldemort the cross dresser or Bush) …Marcy. Every mouth (except Marcy's) let out an ear-shattering scream. There was a stampede to get away from Marcy. A huge dust cloud rose and when the dust settled there was not a single person in the Great Hall besides Marcy.

Laura and Harry had chosen to hide in a rather large ceramic pot. Maybe only one of them should have hidden in there.

"Ow! Laura, move over!" Harry muttered, giving her a gentle shove.

"I can't, you-" Laura began, but she stopped.

Something strange, but oddly familiar was happening. Laura was feeling dizzy. The pot and Harry were fading… Then, something new flashed before emerald eyes. It was Marcy. She was in the Great Hall, looking directly at her … or looking straight ahead. Then, the clock chimed, signalling eight o'clock pm. The door swung open revealing Clare and Ron. Marcy turned to face them. She was going to hypnotise Ron!

"Laura! Laura!" hissed Harry, shaking her. "What's wrong?"

Laura felt sick. She felt dizzy and like she was about to faint.

"I had a vision," whispered Laura.

"What about?" asked Harry eagerly.

Laura chose not to reply. Instead, she asked a question of her own. "What time is it?"

"Uh … 7:59, but what-" said Harry, checking his watch.

"Ohmigosh!" cried Laura hysterically. "We need to save Clare and Ron!"

"What-" began Harry

Laura rammed the side of the pot really hard. The pot tipped over and shattered.

"Oooh!" cried Marcy, spotting them. "Hi!"

"Shield your eyes, Harry!" yelled Laura, seizing Harry's glasses.

"Hey!" Harry exclaimed. "I can't see!"

"Oh relax, Weatherer," Marcy said, narrowing her perfect blue eyes. "I'm not going after him," she pointed at Harry.

"You're not?" asked Laura suspiciously. "How come?"

"It's getting boring just going after you guys," Marcy said shortly. "I need

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**And that's all she (meaning I) wrote. The next version (Clare is a Cheesy Lobster Head on Bread - the Unrated version) which is Part I, written by me last year was a remake of this one and had some creative liberties taken with it because I found the original in my "Harry Potter Stories Age 11-12" folder and couldn't remember where I was going with it. So... **


	2. Actually Chapter 1

**Ride-on-Bon here again, still hacking limwen's account to bring to you Part I of Clare is a Cheesy Lobster Head on Bread: The Unrated Version except it's not really unrated. I think a "T" rating would suffice, don't you? Part I was brought to you in part by power-C vitaminwater, nestle real semi-sweet chocolate chips, and my cat. She says "meow". **

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**Clare is a Cheesy Lobster Head on Bread**

**(The Unrated Version) **

**Part I**

Tonight was the night of the big Hogwarts dance. It was a brisk, cold night during some indistinguishable night of some undistinguishable year. The sky was a cold, steely grey with flakes of snow swirling down past the Gryffindor girls' dormitory windows.

Clare and Laura, as usual, were very unprepared, making last minute decisions of what to wear and who to go with. Laura, for one, had only just realised there was a dance this afternoon when she asked her two friends why the Great Hall had been decorated. Arielle, on the other hand, had been preparing since the beginning of term because this was a dance and Arielle was the very Merlin of dances. Her dress had been hanging in her closet for months and she had chosen a suitor to take her around the same time her dress had been purchased.

Laura, contrary to popular belief, was NOT going with Harry Potter as she didn't like him anymore and hadn't for quite some time and had only just agreed to a date with a certain someone who she maintained (in her mind, of course) she was having a hot, secret love affair with, about three minutes ago. Arielle was going with Cedric Diggory's ghost because she liked necrophilia, and Clare was going to be without a date for about the next five seconds.

At this particular moment, Laura was sitting on her bed next to the window while Arielle tried to put makeup on her in preparation for the dance.

"You guys!" shrieked Clare, tearing into the dormitory, grinning like a madwoman. "Guess what?"

"Clare!" yelled, Arielle, wheeling around to face the newcomer. " You whore! Look what you made me do!"

"What?" cried Laura, feeling across her bed for a mirror, a long black streak trailing from her bottom eyelid. "What've you done?"

"No!" scolded Arielle, seizing the mirror before Laura's hands reached it and stowing it out of sight. "I can fix it!"

She took out a blue bottle of makeup remover and a tissue.

"Hey!" Clare said angrily. "I said '_guess what?'_!"

"What?" chimed Laura and Arielle in a monotone.

"I'm going to the dance with…" Clare took a dramatic pause to build up suspense. "…Ron!"

This piece of information did not affect her friends the way Clare had originally anticipated.

"Oh. That's nice." Arielle.

"Yeah, that's just phantasmagorical." Laura.

"I don't think you heard me correctly," said Clare, raising her voice. "I'm going to the dance with _Ron Weasley!" _She sat down on the bed next to Laura and poked her in the arm. "Ha, you thought he was going to go out with Hermione! Ha haaaaaaaa!"

"Bugger off," Laura muttered through the corner of her mouth as Arielle did her lip-gloss.

"Well, who are you going with?" asked Clare. "Harry Potter?"

Laura gasped at Clare's accusation, highly affronted, and seized a dagger from the holster on her ankle and threw it at Clare.

"You have a _dagger?" _demanded Clare, looking at the dagger whose blade was embedded in the wall and edging to the other side of the room, away from Laura.

"Stop moving!" snapped Arielle, licking her thumb and trying to rub the strawberry scented streak off Laura's cheek.

"I'll have you know," said Laura in a condescending tone, "that _I'm _going to the dance with Danny Fenton … Savvy? Heh heh heh heh."

While none could deny that Danny Fenton was actually quite attractive, he was still a bit of a silly twit.

"_What?" _cried Arielle, accidentally pulling out several strands of Laura's hair. "I thought you didn't like him anymore!"

"Sure, take an interest in Laura's love life!" grumbled Clare, folding her arms sulkily.

"But you've fancied Ron since you were ten," Arielle pointed out. "That's nothing I didn't already know."

"Nyah nyah!" taunted Laura smirking superiorly.

"My outfit is cooler than yours, though," Clare retorted.

"That's right," said Arielle in realization. "I haven't seen _your _outfit Clare. Where is it?"

"I'm not telling," said Clare, grinning eagerly. "But you'll see it tonight- it'll kick all your outfits' asses!"

She went into her trunk and took out a large white shopping bag with some red material sticking out the top and strode into the bathroom, locking the door behind her.

**"I am the best Keith Moon-type drummer in the world."  
-Keith Moon (the Who)**

Arielle was wearing a baby blue tube-top dress, the hem reaching halfway down her thigh, her short dirty blonde hair done up in a fancy bun with chopsticks.

Laura was wearing a tartan shall like a miniskirt around her waist, pinned in place with something that looked suspiciously like Jack Sparrow's "piece of eight" and a thin black hooded sweatshirt with "AC/DC Crew" written across the left breast in the front and "UK Tour '78" printed on the back (because she had seen Bon Scott wearing a white one just like it at a concert at the Glasgow Apollo on the AC/DC Family Jewels DVD) and her black and white converse high tops.

However, nothing could compare to the uniqueness of Clare's costume, not even Laura's rock 'n' rolling one. Because when Clare came out of the bathroom she was dressed in a big, red, lobster suit.

"Oh, good God!" cried Arielle, horrified.

"What in the name of all things hilarious are you wearing?" demanded Laura, her mouth hanging open, though the shadow of a smirk flickered across her face.

"It's a lobster suit," Clare announced happily. "It was Julie's idea!"

"I can tell," said Arielle glancing at Laura, who had buried her face in a pillow to keep from laughing. "Stop that! You'll mess up your makeup!"

"Clare," said Arielle gently, "this isn't a costume dance."

"Yeah, I know," said Clare. "What a stupid question…"

She pulled off her lobster suit (she was wearing shorts and a t-shirt underneath, the same colour as the lobster costume) and sat on Laura's bed so Arielle could work on her.

"Laura, you can't go like that," said Arielle exasperatedly, as they descended the girl's staircase. "This is a dance, not a rock concert!"

Laura stuck out her tongue stubbornly. "You're not my mother!" snapped Laura like a small child disobeying her babysitter.

"I'm as good as!" Arielle shot back after Laura's retreating back, who had hurried ahead down the last stretch of staircase.

"Hi, Laura," said Danny as he met her at the foot of the stairs. "We're going to a _formal _dance, you do know that, right?"

Laura pursed her lips. "I can still stand you up, you know," she told him angrily.

"I'm kidding," said Danny. "You look nice anyway."

Laura grinned cockily. "I always do."

"Hey, where's Ron?" Harry Potter asked Laura and Arielle. "Or that little friend of yours, Clare?"

Laura shrugged while Arielle whistled innocently.

"Who're you going with?" asked Laura. "'Cos there's this girl in Hufflepuff whose life Clare and I ruined - Katie Powers - she wanted to go with you."

Harry blanched, remembering the girl who followed Laura and Clare around and offered to pose as Ginny Weasley for him on occasion. "Uh…"

"Ready to go, Harry?' asked the familiar voice of the real, non-impostor Ginny Weasley.

"Ohhhhhh," cooed Laura, a grin appearing on her face. "You two are going together, eh?" She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

Harry pointed a warning finger at her. "No perverted comments!"

"I was just going to say," said Laura, glaring at the finger, "that you'd better not screw it up … or I'll throw you under the Hogwarts Express at the end of term."

Harry blushed at being given romantic advice from a fourteen year old.

Suddenly, a glass-shattering scream pierced the low rumble of chatter in the common room and Clare appeared on the top balcony wearing naught but a towel. Several perverted boys wolf-whistled.

"What's the matter with you?" Laura called up to her.

"I can't find my lobster suit!" wailed Clare, looking highly distressed.

"Oh, I'm sorry, dearie," said Arielle, trying and failing to keep a straight face. "Maybe you could wear that nice gold dress of yours."

Clare let out a hysterical wail and disappeared from the balcony.

Moments later, Ron appeared at the foot of the boy's staircase. "Who screamed? And where's Clare?"

"She's in hysterics about lobsters," said Laura conversationally. "She'll be out in a wee bit, don't you worry your overactive hormones."

"Lobsters?" asked Ron.

"Yes, lobsters," replied Arielle.

"Well, would you look at the time?" Laura said suddenly, looking at her watchless wrist. "We're going to be late! C'mon, Fenton."

"No we're not-" began Danny, but Laura seized his wrist and dragged him through the portrait hole.

"Yes, I should go and meet Cedric," added Arielle, following them. "See you there!"

Ten minuets later, Clare and Ron still hadn't arrived at the dance. Arielle and the ghost of Cedric Diggory were dancing very inappropriately while Danny tired to drag Laura away from the DJ who she was harassing to play some AC/DC.

"Look, mate," she said threateningly, poking the DJ in the chest with her wand. "You see this wand here in my hand? It tends to have a _mind of its own … _savvy?So either you play AC/DC or even Queen or Thin Lizzy or the Who or something or I'll - "

"Come on, Laura," said Danny, tugging on her hand. "Let's go- you can't dance to AC/DC-"

"I don't fucking care!" barked Laura, wrenching her hand back.

"Oh," said Danny dejectedly, slinking away. "OK, then."

"Oh for the love of-" Laura hurried after him, grabbing his hand and pulling him to her. "Sorry," she smiled sheepishly.

"You're right; it isn't that important. I can always play AC/DC so loud it shakes the castle's foundations afterwards."

Danny seemed very pleased with this information and placed his hands on her waist while Laura hooked hers around his neck and they swayed to the music, which Laura didn't like at all (the music, not the dancing).

"Psst! Potter!" Laura hissed at the boy over Danny's shoulder. 'I'll sell you this for ten galleons- you might need it after the dance."

She held up a small, square plastic package around Danny's back.

"What is it?" he asked, reaching around Ginny to take it from her. He examined it closely. "What's this rubber ring inside…? I- ARGH!" he threw it back at Laura. "You're _horrible! _Ten galleons is _far _to expensive!"

Harry and Ginny quickly buggered off to dance somewhere far away from Laura.

"What is it?" asked Danny, taking the package from Laura.

Laura grinned her mischievous bad-girl grin. "A rubber jonnie."

"What's a-" Danny looked at it closely before blushing and slipping it back into Laura's hand. "Oh."

"Are you sure you don't want to keep it?" asked Laura innocently. "We might need it later…" She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively with several crude thrusting motions to elaborate.

"Laura!" cried Danny, scandalized while Laura giggled manically.

"_I don't wanna close my eyes…" _

Laura grinned brilliantly up at Danny. "I reckon this should be our song," she told him, smirking.

""_I don't wanna fall asleep…" _

Danny, even though he hadn't a vague inkling that the song was in _Blades of Glory _and that's why Laura was smirking at him like that, grinned back. Was it just him, or was she getting closer?

"'_Cause I miss you, baby…"_

With one last lingering smirk, Laura's eyes fluttered shut and she stood on the tips of her toes to meet him.

"_And I don't wanna miss a thing …" _

Danny leaned down, closing his eyes, perhaps too eagerly. Laura placed one hand on Danny's shoulder to give her support and leaned into him, feeling his warm breath tickling her cheek. She could have sworn she felt his bottom lip graze hers when -

Suddenly, a bang echoed through the Great Hall like a clap of thunder. Danny and Laura jumped apart as thought they had been singed in a game of Exploding Snap ('cos every fan fiction writer knows that's the best simile _ever) _and Laura swore violently under her breath. Every student's head turned to the doorway. Standing there was… No, not Clare, Ron, Mr. A, Ms. Fitz, Voldemort the Cross Dresser or Bush… It was……………(drum roll, please)…………MARCY!

Every mouth, excluding Marcy's let out an ear-piercing shriek and there was a stampede to get away from her. Couples hurried into every possible secret location, desperate to save their relationship from being destroyed by Marcy's infamous "feminine charms". Under tables, inside broom cupboards, in their goblets, out the windows … you get the picture.

A huge dust cloud rose from the pitter-pattering of little feet, running away from the blonde bimbo and when the dust settled, not a single person was to be seen in the Great Hall except for Marcy. Tumbleweed bounced across the hall to emphasize the desertedness.

Laura and Danny had chosen to hide in a rather large ceramic pot together and were very much the definition of "too close for comfort". Their bodies were pressed together, limbs entwined, their foreheads and noses touching, lips so close together that they were practically kissing. In fact, they couldn't be any closer without one of them getting inside the other. (Author laughs manically).

"I- can't- breathe," Laura whispered, her lips brushing lightly against Danny's as she spoke.

"Oh no … I have to pee," Danny whimpered. "And you're crushing my bladder."

"Uh oh," said Laura. "Can't you hold it in or something? We kind of have a situation here. _Marcy _is outside. Marcy! You remember her, right? She's a complete bitch who makes a hobby of seducing guys. I dunno about you, but I am perfectly content with-"

"Need to pee, need to pee, need to pee!"

"Fine," said Laura exasperatedly. "But only 'cos I like you."

She rammed the side of the pot with her shoulder. It rocked back and forth on its base before toppling over and smashing upon impact with the floor.

"Freedom!" cheered Laura, untangling herself from Danny.

"Ooooh," cooed Marcy seductively, spotting them. "Hello!"

"Hi," Danny replied, crossing his legs. "D'you know where the nearest bathroom is?"

"SHIELD YOUR EYES, FENTON!" yelled Laura, tackling him to the floor with her hands over his eyes.

"Crushing my bladder!" Danny yelped.

"Don't worry, Fenton," said Laura, sitting up so she was straddling his back (that sounds so wrong…) "When you need to go to the loo, your bladder is really only one third full- you've still got another two thirds to go before it explodes!"

"That's so comforting!" Danny yelled sarcastically.

"Oh, relax, Weatherer," said Marcy, narrowing her perfect blue eyes. "I'm not here to steal _your _guy."

"NEED TO PEE!"

Laura slid off him. "The guy's toilet is the twenty third door on the left," she said.

Danny tore from the Great Hall in an odd sort of walk, holding his crotch.

"Right," said Laura, getting to her feet. "Now that he's out of the way…" she took out a stuffed cat and smacked Marcy smartly across the face with it. "I challenge you to a duel!"

"Ow!" shrieked Marcy, rubbing her cheek. "No, I most certainly will not duel with you. That's such a guy thing! What if I broke a nail?"

"You just don't wanna _lose," _taunted Laura.

Marcy tutted, muttering about "immature Gryffindors" and said: "Never mind the duelling, I didn't come for you. Where's that boy in your year- Ronald Weasley? He's very hott, isn't he?"

"I don't know where he is," said Laura truthfully. "Yet, I can't seem to shake the horrifying mental image of him and Clare shagging on _my_ bed…" Laura shuddered.

"Yeah, and who says 'hot' with two t's?" she added, looking at Marcy, disgusted.

Danny re-entered the Great Hall, issuing a relieved sigh and zipping up his trousers.

Laura turned her attention away from Marcy to address Danny. "Find the toilet alright, Fenton?"

"Uh…" Danny shifted his eyes from side to side nervously, "…yeah."

He crossed the floor and stood next to Laura, clutching a handful of fabric from the back of her sweatshirt in case the need arose for her to be restrained.

"Hi Danny," cooed Marcy seductively, giving him a little finger wave. "You're looking _fine_ tonight," she winked and rolled her tongue over her lips. "You're very…ah, _friendly_ with Laura who's good friends with Clare Follmann who's stalking Ron Weasley. You couldn't tell me where they are, could you?" She pouted and her eyes grew big and round.

She looked quite pitiful, in Laura's humble opinion. Danny tensed beside her and his grip on her jacket tightened.

"Well, I last saw _Clare _in a towel shrieking about lobsters before we left to go to the dance."

"She's mentally unbalanced, that one," Laura explained sincerely, nodding her head.

"_I wouldn't be talking, Laura," _Danny muttered into her ear.

"_Oh, ha ha ha," _Laura hissed at him sarcastically. "_Very witty!" _

"Awww," said Marcy in her sickeningly sweet voice, clasping her hands together and pressing them to her cheek. "You're whispering secrets to one another! That's so _sweet!" _

Laura cringed as Marcy's voice reached a pitch that was generally used for dog whistles.

However, Marcy's chronic obnoxiousness was forgotten as the doors to the Great Hall were flung open once more, and Clare came in, looking distraught.

She wasn't wearing her lobster outfit, but rather a floor-length tube-top gold dress with a sort of black mesh fabric covering it, making the colour of the dress appear dark gold with a long velvet cloak.

"Laura!" she cried once she had reached her, seizing her by the shoulders and shaking her roughly. "I've done something stupid again!"

Somehow, this didn't surprise Laura at all.

"Oh no," she groaned. "You're not pregnant, are you?"

"Hey! You so totally just snubbed me!" cried Marcy indignantly, but no one paid her any mind.

Clare was staring at Laura, her mouth hanging open in shock. "How'd you know?"

Marcy, Laura, and Danny gaped at Clare in horror. "You're _what?" _

"I'm p-pr-pr-PREGNANT!" she howled, bursting into tears.

Laura made a squeal of revulsion. "Oh my fucking GOD! You _did _do it on my bed! Eeeeewwwww! You're buying me some new sheets!"

"Ron and I haven't done it!" cried Clare, mortified.

Laura raised her eyebrows sceptically. "And you're pregnant? Oh my God – you cheated on Ron! Clare Follmann, you whore! So who's the father?"

They all leaned forward expectantly.

"My baby is to be the Son of God, a messiah," said Clare dramatically. "I shall name him Aaron Ian Weasley."

"A messiah?" asked Laura, chuckling. "You're such a spaz, Clare. We all know Ron knocked you up."

There was a moment's silence, before Laura spoke up again.

"Can I be godmother?"

Clare huffed indignantly. "Not after your obscene language and sexual innuendos! You think I want Aaron to end up like you?"

Laura boldly displayed her middle finger in retaliation.

"I think Laura'd make a great role model," said Danny, sliding his arm around Laura's shoulders. "She's quite smart, she knows a lot about music, and she's really good at duelling."

"WOO-HOO!" cheered Laura in a manner highly reminiscent of Homer Simpson, flinging her arm around Danny's neck and pulling him to her so their cheeks were touching. "I knew you were my bestest mate, unlike _Clare_," here she glared pointedly at Clare. "Daaaaah-ling!" she swooped up and planted a very obvious kiss on his cheek.

Danny blushed a deep crimson, feeling the spot that Laura's lips had touched. "You _kissed _me…"

Laura blushed too. "It's European, I swear!"

Clare wouldn't stand for any fluffy romance between the two in the story that she was starring in.

"I'd rather have Arielle as a godmother," she continued, killing any romance, which may have occurred had she not chosen to intervene. "She's responsible, and really smart, and fashionable."

Laura opened her mouth to point out that while she may be lacking in the responsibility department, she was also smart in her own special Laura-way, and _exceedingly_ fashionable.

"You're highly irresponsible, a complete spaz, and own six AC/DC shirts," Clare reminded her, completely failing to mention that her own spasticness exceeded Laura's by a considerable amount most of the time.

"_Seven _AC/DC shirts," Laura corrected smugly. "I just got a new one."

The door that led to the broom cupboard in the Great Hall (yes, there most certainly is a broom cupboard in the Great Hall, bitch!) swung open and none other than Arielle Weinberg and Cedric Diggory's ghost tumbled out and fell onto the flagstone tile, not ceasing in their passionate kissing activities nor their wandering hands.

"On second thought," said Clare, shuddering in revulsion at the sight on the floor, "_you're _not third basing it on the Great Hall floor. You can be Aaron's godmother."

Arielle pried her face off Cedric's with a loud suction sound, like a welly being wrenched out of wet mud.

"Boo, you whore!"

"WOOT!" Laura cheered again. "I WIN, BITCH!" She flicked Arielle off and did a happy little victory dance around the punch bowl.

Arielle, on the other hand, seemed far more interested in her "activities" with Cedric.

"Anywho," said Laura, ceasing her victory dance and standing with Danny and Clare, "does Ron know yet? I mean even if this wane is the child of God," Laura rolled her eyes as if she thought this highly unlikely, "Ron's obviously gonna be some kind of surrogate father. You are naming the thing 'Aaron Ian _Weasley', _after all."

Clare looked highly uncomfortable. "Oh…do you think I should?"

Danny and Laura gaped at her as though they couldn't believe she was asking such a stupid question.

"Yeah, I thought so too."

"Don't worry, Clare," said Laura in an oddly kind, highly loyal friend sort of way, "we'll come with you for moral support."

"We will?" Danny asked, surprised at this turn of events.

But Laura did not answer him. Instead, she chose to hail Arielle.

"OI! ARI-EEEEEEEELLE," she called in a loud singsong voice, "UNSTICK YOURSELF AND HELP US TELL RON THAT CLARE'S PREGNANT WITH HIS CHILD!"

Arielle detached herself from Cedric reluctantly and after a quick apology, hurried over to meet her psychotic friends.

Out of nowhere, though supposedly by means of an invisibility cloak, Harry Potter and Ginny Weasley appeared, looking extremely dishevelled as if they had been snogging each other senseless under that cloak.

"What?" Harry demanded, trying and failing to straighten his hair so he looked less suspicious. "Clare is pregnant with Ron's child?"

"I'm going to be an aunt!" squealed Ginny in delight.

"Do any of you know where Ron Weasley is?" Marcy interrupted angrily. "I'd like to seduce him!"

"Bugger off," snapped Laura rudely. "We were through with your scene ages ago."

"Oh no," said Harry sadly. "Ron's going to have a heart attack."

"Hermione will be heart broken," Ginny reminded them.

"The Ron-Hermione shippers will murder Clare," said Laura, shaking her head.

"Wait," said Arielle, frowning, "let me get this straight. Clare is pregnant with Ron's child even though they've only been together since this afternoon, while Hermione is secretly but not-so-secretly in love with Ron. Meanwhile, Laura and Danny have a crush on each other but they're both romantically awkward, I'm implied to be sexually involved with the ghost of Cedric Diggory, Harry and Ginny are going out, Marcy steals boyfriends, and nothing is making sense anymore."

"Yes'm," said Laura, the ghost of her smile flickering across her face. "Not that anything ever makes much sense anymore… The author reserves the right not to make sense."

"God," said Arielle in awe, "it's a bit like a soap opera, isn't it?"

"Harry Potter style!" chorused the entire hall together, even the students that were invisible to the untrained eye.

Laura giggled. "We're such losers…"

"Don't call me a loser!" cried Danny, deeply insulted.

"Oh, shut your face, Fenton. Never mind that "loser" is a pretty crap insult anyway, I called me a loser too, and everyone else, so really, among these other losers, we can't exactly be seen as losers, can we?"

"What?" asked Danny, blankly.

"Are two coming or not?" Arielle called back to them.

Laura grabbed Danny by the front of his shirt and dragged him behind her as she hurried to catch up to the rest of her 'minions' as she liked to call them.

Laura and her Minions had only just reached the marble staircase in the Entrance Hall, when they ran into Ron whose hair was sticking out at odd angles in a very Harry Potter-like fashion, his shoelaces undone, and his fancy new dress robes (courtesy of Fred and George) hanging off his shoulders.

"Clare!" he exclaimed when he saw them, relief etched on his face. "Where've you been? I thought Laura might have locked you in the dorm so she could practice duelling again."  
Laura grinned to herself in recollection. "Ah, good times…"

"Um…no," said Clare uneasily. "I've got something to tell you, though."

Ron took Clare's hands in his. "What is it?"

When he became so sweet and sincere, I don't know.

"I…I…I…" Clare cast her eyes around the Entrance Hall, looking at anything but Ron. "I… OH MY GOD! IT'S SNOWING!"

She pointed, slightly hysterical, out the window, where snow was falling innocently.

"Yes, Clare," said Ron as though he were speaking with a two year old. "Just like it has all day."

Clare blushed and stared determinedly at her feet. Laura thought now would be the best time to intervene and stepped forward.

"Sorry, Weasley," said Laura, grabbing Clare's elbow. "Clare's feeling a bit ill today. Aren't you Clare?"

Arielle, catching on, stepped forward too. "Silly girl- I told you to stay in bed! She just loves you so much," she told Ron. "Couldn't let you down by not showing up."

"Yeah," Clare agreed feebly. "Ill."

"We should get her back to the dorm," Laura continued, leading Clare up the stairs.

"Laura-" began Danny, looking put out.

"Right," said Laura, leaving Clare with Arielle and hurrying down the stairs to bid Danny goodnight.

"I'll see you tomorrow," Laura told him in a quiet voice, though loud enough for the others to hear. She took his hand in hers and squeezed it. "G'night."

She turned her back on him, long hair swishing behind her and resumed her position at Clare's elbow, helping her back to Gryffindor Tower.

"Well," said Harry once they had disappeared from view. "I ought to go to bed too. Coming Gin?"

Ginny nodded. "Ron?"

"Yeah," said Ron, looking rather deflated. "Are you coming, Danny?"

Danny shook his head, absent-mindedly; staring at a scrap of paper Laura had slipped into his palm before she left. On it, Laura had scrawled in her freakishly neat handwriting, with her lucky purple pen.

_**Make it count; meet me at the clock in ten minutes.**_

Not only was this totally unexpected, but he couldn't help but think he'd seen a phrase like that before…

And where the hell was there a clock in Hogwarts?

**"Jack: One question about your business, boy, or there's no use going. This girl … how far are you willing to go to save her?  
Will: I'd die for her!  
Jack: Oh, good. No worries, then."  
-_Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl _**

Meanwhile, Clare, Arielle, and Laura were in their dormitory in Gryffindor tower, dealing with a crisis of their own.

Clare was lying face down on her bed, crying.

"I tried to tell him!" she wailed. "I did! But I just couldn't! It'll ruin both our futures! I mean, not everyone can help raise the Son of God…"

"Ssssh," Arielle coaxed, rubbing Clare's back soothingly. "It'll be alright."

Laura paced the floor, anxiously, glancing at her watch every few seconds.

"Er…Ari? Clare? Will you excuse me; I really need to spend a penny. Adiós!" Without waiting for a reply, Laura flew down the spiral staircase that led to the common room.

"Laura?" Arielle called after her. "There's a bathroom right here connected to the dorm! Where are you going?"

Not surprisingly, Laura didn't answer her.

**"And I guess I must have touched one of her erogenous zones, ladies and gentlemen- 'cos she kneed me in one of mine!"  
-Billy Connolly "Tell Laura I Love Her"**

The next morning dawned warm and bright, even thought, as was previously mentioned, it had been snowing the night before. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and the sky was a deep forget-me-not blue. However, this pleasant weather was hidden from the Gryffindor girls' dormitory that Arielle, Laura, and Clare occupied.

The thick, velvet curtains had been drawn, shutting fair daylight out, bathing the room in the same darkness that was familiar in the middle of the night…with no moon. …Or stars. …Or Green Flashes! Mwahahahaha!

Arielle was not in the room at the time, but had hurried off to the Great Hall at an earlier hour to meet Diggory for a romantic breakfast. Well, as romantic as breakfast can be, anyway. Clare was quite preoccupied with her morning sickness and was kneeling on the bathroom floor, talking to God on the big white telephone as they call it in Glasgow or driving the porcelain truck as it's known as in Australia. But the third and final occupant of the room was nowhere to be seen. However, her whereabouts would not be disclosed for long as Arielle chose this moment to enter the dormitory.

"HOLA DEARIES!" exclaimed Arielle, bounding into the centre of the room.

Clare responded with a retch and leaned back over the toilet bowl. Accompanying this, there was a new sound from within the hangings around Laura's bed, which had been shut in a manner similar to the curtains adorning the windows.

"Uhhhh…" a voice, feminine, groaned. "Must you be so loud?"

Arielle ignored this and instead turned her attention to the curtains over the window. "Why are the curtains closed? It's nice and sunny out!"

"Because we like the dark," said the voice monotonously. "We steal away from daylight…like vampires."

Clare retched again.

"…And, erm, Romeo. Him too. Remember the bit about artificial night in _Romeo and Juliet?"_

Arielle rolled her eyes and pulled the curtains over the window apart, letting brilliant sunlight illuminate the room. Then, she turned to Laura's bed and wrenched apart the curtains.

The figure in the bed, who is now revealed to be Laura, let out a shrill wail and yanked the covers over her head. "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" she screeched. "My head!" Except with her Scottish accent it sounded like '_ma heid!' _

Arielle frowned and turned to the open bathroom door where Clare was framed with her head down the toilet.

"What's wrong with her?"

Clare's reply was a splattering cough.

"Oh…" moaned Laura under her breath, squinting against the blinding light, with one hand held against her temple. "That was definitely the worst pint I ever had …".

Never mind that it was the only pint Laura had ever had, so she really didn't have much to compare it to.

"Yeah, and close the hangings, if you don't mind, super-bitch!" Laura ordered, curled up into a tight ball beneath the covers.

Arielle paid Laura's demand no attention and grabbed the hem of the blanket and yanked it clean off her. Laura wailed again and covered her face with her hands.

"NOOOOOO! NOT THE LIGHT! IT BURNS!" She tumbled sideways off the bed, onto the floor, and rolled under the bed.

"Where were you last night?" Arielle demanded, hands on her hips. "You told Clare and I you were going to the bathroom and you never came back- at least not until after Clare and I went to sleep. And," Arielle bent down to look under the bed, "you're still wearing the same clothes you had on at the dance last night!"

Laura rolled over and showed Arielle her back. "Uh … no, I'm not!"

Arielle seized her hood and dragged her out into view. "You are so! And…" she made a sniff of the air. "Urgh! You smell like you took a bath in firewhiskey!"

"Hullo Ari," muttered Laura weakly, putting a hand on her brow-bone to dim the light. "When did you clone yourself?"

"What?" Arielle looked around the dorm for a second Arielle but saw no one. "No…there's just me."

Laura scrunched up her face in confusion. Her eyes crossed and uncrossed before they both focused on Arielle. "Oh. So there is."

She grabbed hold of Arielle's Prada bag that hung from its owner's shoulder and used it to pull herself up, deaf to Arielle's shrieks of protest. Laura released it and stumbled before steadying herself by holding onto the bedpost.

"Jesus," she said, putting one hand to the side of her head and wincing. "It feels like I'm wearing an internal balaclava."

"Laura Claire McBride Weatherer," snapped Arielle, pulling one hand on Laura's cheek and forcing Laura to look her in the eye, "are you _drunk?" _

Laura snorted. "Of course not, you twat! I was drunk _yesterday!" _

Somehow, Arielle didn't find this very reassuring.

"How? When? Why?" She tailed Laura as she staggered over to the bathroom. "What happened? I most certainly cannot deal with two pregnant teenagers!"

Laura internally swore at finding the toilet occupied and hobbled over to the window, threw it open, and vomited down the side of the tower.

"Sorry!" she called apologetically to two innocent second years standing at the foot of the tower.

She pulled her head back inside, wiping the vomit residue from her mouth with her sleeve. "All I remember happening was me and Danny sneaking into Hogsmeade. We went into the Hog's Head, and I says to the bartender, I said: '_Oi, Jimmy! Gee'us a pint o' heavy!' _and I don't remember much else afterwards. …Savvy?" She poked her head back out the window as more bile crept up her throat.

Arielle sighed in frustration. "_We're fourteen years old, one is pregnant, one has a hangover and I have to put up with them…" _she muttered under her breath.

"Don't worry, Ari," said Laura, pulling her head back in. "I woke up in me own bed, fully clothed, all by me onesy, with a killer headache, and my shoes still on."

Indeed, Laura's black Converse high-tops still resided on her feet.

"-Don't know what happened to Danny, though," Laura admitted. She turned her back on her friends' shocked faces at what a disgraceful sort-of-girlfriend she was and vomited again.

"Laura?"

Laura jerked her head up at the sound of her name and knocked her head on the window frame. Ignoring the searing pain from the bump added to her hangover headache, Laura searched for the speaker. It was Ron Weasley, hovering outside the window she was currently hanging out of, on his broomstick.

"HELLO, RON WEASLEY!" yelled Laura, trying to alert her friends of the company.

"Hello Laura," said Ron looking a bit frightened.

"What's that Laura?" called Arielle from inside the dorm.

"HELLO RON WEASLEY!"

"What?"

Laura's eyes bulged dangerously. "RON WEASLEY! RON WEASLEY! RON WEASLEY!"

"Oh!" said Arielle, throwing the bathroom door shut to hide Clare.

"Are you alright?" Ron asked uneasily, fearing for the girl's sanity as most people do.

"No," said Laura said miserably. "I've got a fucking hangover."

Ron looked taken aback. Laura Weatherer was hungover…?

"Who is it, darling?" asked Arielle, appearing at Laura's shoulder, flinging an arm around her.

"It's Ron Weasley!" said Laura, now slightly hysterical.

"I think we've established that. Is Clare here?" He tried to peek over their shoulders into the room.

"Er…" Laura began. "Yee- Ouch!" Arielle elbowed Laura painfully in the stomach. "Ah - no. She … isn't...?"

She attempted to look apologetic."...Sry?"

"May I come in?" he asked, looking highly suspicious. "I've never seen the girls' dorm before."

"Erm…" stammered Laura. "I suppose- but I don't see why you'd want to- it's a bit of a mess, really."

But Ron ignored this and slid off his broom and through the window.

"It's not too bad," he said looking around. "Except for your things."

This was true. Both Arielle and Clare had relatively clean areas whereas Laura's looked like a tornado had blown through and caused an atomic bomb to go off. Quite like post-war Iraq, really. On her nightstand, notebooks, schoolwork, books, and guitar tabs had been stacked on top of her laptop with her ipod at the very top of the pile, teetering dangerously. The bed clothes had been stripped from the mattress and lay on the floor, along with clothes, CDs, guitar picks, and her prized Gibson SG (I wish…) guitar lay off its stand and out of its case, propped up against the wall at an unsafe angle.

"Yeah, alright," Laura agreed, "but Arielle pulled off the bed clothes. They were on the bed five minutes ago."

Ron turned to Arielle who was standing in front of the bathroom door, grinning madly trying to look natural and failing miserably. There was a dull 'thump' from behind the bathroom door. Clare had upset a box of tampons.

"Is Clare in there?" Ron asked suspiciously.

Laura and Arielle burst into loud, fake laughter.

"Don't be ridiculous," said Laura, her smile not quite reaching her eyes. "That's just the cat."

"But you don't have a cat."

Laura thought it best not to tell Ron about the dozen or so cats hidden in her closet, all named after characters from _Pirates of the Caribbean. _

"It's the dog!" said Arielle.

"It's Sirius Black in his animagus form!" Laura chimed in, saying the first thing that popped into her head.

Ron stared at her like she'd grown an extra head. "Laura, Sirius is, well…_dead." _

"That's what you think!" said Laura, tapping her nose mysteriously and winking.

"Look," said Ron in a no-nonsense tone, "I'm just looking for Clare. I want to speak to her before Quidditch practise in fifteen minutes."

Laura and Arielle exchanged eager grins. If only they could distract Ron until then…

"Sit down, sit down," said Laura warmly, pulling Ron onto Clare's bed and sitting beside him. "Relax! Listen to this story I know…lasts about fifteen minutes. Er…once upon a time, there was a pair of knickers… they lived in a magical forest… and they were called…_Dave. _Savvy?_" _

Ron stood back up. "Alright, what have you done with Clare?"

"Nothing!" cried Laura desperately, picking up _Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban _from her nightstand. "Want me to read this to you? " She flipped the book open to a random page and began to read aloud. "_White fog obscured his senses … big, blurred shapes were moving around him … then came a new voice, a man's voice, shouting, panicking – 'Lily, take Harry and go-!" _

Ron gave her a very odd look. "No, I do not! Is she in here?" He made to open the bathroom door.

"NO!" shrieked Laura, grabbing Ron's hand and pulling him back, tossing the _Prisoner of Azkaban _book under her bed. "You mustn't!"

From under her bed, there came a heavy _thud _and a squeal of pain.

Ron stared at the crack under Laura's bed for a few moments before turning back to her as though nothing had happened, frowning in confusion. "Why not?"

"Because I love you!" she blurted out without rhyme or reason.

"WHAT?"

"I love you," Laura continued dramatically, throwing her hand up to her forehead, "and I can't live without you!" She glanced at the clock. "…At least not for the next twelve minutes."

"I thought you fancied that Danny Fenton bloke!" Ron demanded, trying to wrench his hand free.

"Nah," said Laura, dismissing the matter with a wave of her hand. "I don't really, I just find him rather good-looking. To be perfectly genuine, I think he's a naff twit. It's actually quite painful- literally- to watch him try and be funny."

"Oh really?" asked Ron sceptically. "It didn't look that way to me last night when you two wandered into the common room at three in the morning. I couldn't tell where you ended and he began."

Laura mouthed soundlessly at him for a few moments, unable to come up with a suitable comeback that didn't consist of the use of the phrases of "your mum" or "your face", while Arielle just gaped at her in stunned amusement.

"What I mean to say is," said Laura, looking around for an idea, "_Arielle _loves you!"

"Don't you drag me into this, hon!" said Arielle hotly.

"Er…the last one out of the dorm is a wanker!" Laura cried desperately, tearing out of the room faster than you can say "Gonna bend you like a G-string".

Arielle looked at the clock on the wall and gasped. "Is that the time? I had to meet Cedric in the third floor broom cupboard thirty seconds ago!"

She had only been absent from the room for two seconds before she poked her head back in. "And _don't _look in the bathroom. It's full of makeup, hair stuff, and other girly things- wouldn't interest you. Bye!"

**"For once in my life, someone might actually call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene'."  
-Homer Simpson**

**Laura…**

Laura Weatherer stumbled down the last few steps of the girls' staircase, her head throbbing painfully.

"Weren't you wearing that yesterday?"

Laura searched for the owner of the voice, magnified in her own ears to a painful degree, and found it was none other than Ginny Weasley looking questioningly at her from where she sat on the sofa, ridiculously close to a certain Mr. Harry Potter.

Laura massaged her temples. "Do you mind? Can't you use your indoor voices for once?"

"You bloody hypocrite!" said Harry, frowning at her.

Laura latched a hand to a tuft of his unruly hair and yanked on it very hard. "Wanker."

Harry rubbed his head where she had pulled, strands of hair falling out. "Don't you have something better to do than bother us good-hearted emo people? …And why do you smell like an alcoholic?"

Laura glowered at him. "Oh, sod off. I was going to ask if you'd seen my bitch- er- _friend, _Danny Fenton lately?"

"Danny?" Harry frowned, trying to remember. "No, not since last night."

Laura's face drooped disappointedly. "Yeah? Well, bugger you then!"

"I would think you'd know though, Laura. I mean, I saw you two stumbling into the common room last night. You might want to see Madame Pomfrey and be sure you're not in the same condition Clare is."

She flicked him a very rude hand gesture and stalked off towards the boys' staircase.

"No, you may not use the Marauder's Map!" Harry called after her, knowing that she was going up to his dormitory to nick it. "Last time I caught you yelling profanity at it."

Laura reddened. "Those bloody Marauders were _insulting _me! I just wanted to say hi, 'cos everyone knows dead people are cooler than the alive. Especially people from the '70's."

"Yeah, don't remind me!" Harry yelled while Ginny rubbed his arm soothingly.

Laura rolled her eyes. "God, you and your teen angst. I was referring to Bon Scott, anyways."

She turned on her heel and sprinted up the boys' staircase. The first place she would look would be Danny's dormitory. After all, she would be in her dorm sleeping off this bloody hangover if the place hadn't been overrun by lunatics.

Laura reached the door and pushed it open gently. When Laura stepped inside and closed the door behind her, she was sure she had died and gone to Heaven. It was dark. As dark as her own dorm had been before Arielle had reopened the curtains (if not darker) and without the sound of Clare retching her guts out.

"God, it's nice in here," Laura commented, sighing happily.

"Laura?" came a weak voice from behind the closed hangings, which were covering one bed. "S'that you? What're you doing in here?"

"I've come to shag one of your dorm mates," said Laura sarcastically. "What d'you think, wanker?"

"To hungover for sarcasm," murmured Danny.

Laura pulled back the curtains and could make out Danny's silhouette in the dark, propped up on his elbows.

"Are you alright?" Laura asked in uncharacteristic concern.

"My head hurts," Danny whimpered pathetically.

Laura sunk onto his bed and ran her hands through his hair. "I know, so does mine. It's 'cos we're hungover."

She kissed him lightly on the forehead and lay down on the bed next to him like she owned the thing, her arms behind her head, smirking in some sort of vaguely sexy way.

"Are you in here for any particular reason?" asked Danny suspiciously. "Are you trying to rape me or something?"

Laura made a mental note to stop corrupting poor, innocent Danny with her crude language and perverted thoughts.

"No, sod off! My dorm is full of raving lunatics and yours in quiet and dark."

"Oh," Danny said disappointedly.

"…And because I like you," added Laura, ruffling his hair.

Danny lay down on his pillows, apparently satisfied, and Laura nuzzled her head into the crook of his neck.

"Last night was fun," said Danny suddenly.

"I wouldn't know," said Laura amusedly, "I was too pissed (meaning drunk) to remember."

"You're a very amusing drunk."

Laura snorted. "Glad I can't remember, then."

"And a very good kisser."

That was odd … Laura couldn't remember ever having snogged Danny before…

"I did _WHAT?" _Laura demanded, sitting bolt upright.

"Goodnight, Laura," said Danny, smiling and drifting off to sleep while Laura got over the shock and eventually lay back down.

It really wasn't so bad. At least he hadn't said she was very good at sex…

**"Well, if you want obsessed with AC/DC… You know Bon Scott? He is probably the coolest person on the whole damn planet- next to me, even though he's dead."  
-Me (ride-on-Bon), to Danny Fenton in a dream I once had**

**Arielle… **

Arielle Weinberg hurried down the last few steps of the girls' staircase. The first thing she saw as she entered the Gryffindor common room was Laura standing by the sofa which was occupied by Harry and Ginny, arguing, as usual. She quickly chose not to intervene in their argument and carried on her way across the circular common room and out the portrait hole.

There, standing outside the Fat Lady's portrait was none other than the translucent Cedric Diggory, hovering several inches above the tiled corridor floor. Him being even taller than he would have naturally been did no good to Arielle who was quite small at 4' 11".

"Ceddy, my darling," cooed Arielle in a very posh English accent. "You don't have to wait out here- you can float through walls! Just come into the Gryffindor common room anytime you like, we're all very friendly. Apart from Laura who we all know is _mentally unstable … _and poor Harry might have a coronary…"

"Arielle, my love," said Cedric in a deep bass voice, "I wish speak with you alone if I may have a moment."

"Just a moment?" asked Arielle softly, gazing up at him with big, round, brown eyes. "I would gladly spend all eternity with you."

Cedric took Arielle's small, manicured hand in his big ghostly one and led her along the corridor. They walked in silence while Cedric led her to a room in the west wing with a big glass dome, teeming with tropical plant life and birds. A catwalk led them over a sparkling clean pond filled with fishes of every colour of the rainbow and many species of turtles.

"Wow," said Arielle in awe. "This is beautiful. I didn't know Hogwarts had a room like this."

"That's because it doesn't," Cedric whispered huskily in her ear, his tone not even breaking the mood.

The couple stood for a few moments in blissful, too-cute-it-makes-me-want-to-vomit, romantic silence, with sickeningly romantic music playing in the background. Finally, Cedric spoke.

"Arielle?"

"Yes, my dearest?"

Cedric took Arielle's hands in his and looked her deep in the eyes. "We've been awfully close the past few days and they … they've been the best days of my life … and afterlife,"

Arielle's eyes shone with tears of happiness. "Oh, Cedric…"

"Arielle, I love you and-"

"YES!" Arielle exclaimed, jumping up in excitement. "I DO!"

Cedric considered backing away slowly for a moment, but stood his ground. After all, he had been a Triwizard Tournament Champion- he feared nothing!

"Sorry," Arielle apologised, blushing. "Continue."

"As I was saying," continued Cedric, "I love you…but I think we should break up."

Arielle's tears of happiness turned to tears of sadness. "What? Why?"

"It couldn't work between us," explained Cedric sombrely. "I mean, you're a living, breathing teenage girl and I'm dead and a ghost and … not really supposed to be a ghost."

"But Cedric," Arielle cried dramatically, "I love you!"

"I'm sorry," said Cedric sadly. "It's the way things have to be."

Cedric made to float off into the bright blue yonder, but Arielle stopped him.

"Wait! I have …" she paused to build up the suspense, "… a plan!"

**"Did you just say you shot someone with a flare gun?"  
-Admiral Sandecker, _Sahara_**

**Clare... **

Clare Follmann let her sweaty forehead rest on the cool porcelain rim of the toilet bowl. She had to keep quiet. If Ron discovered her talking to God on the white telephone (as they call it in Glasgow) with morning sickness…she was screwed, to put it bluntly. Carrying the Son of God in her womb was no easy feat.

She heard the sound of cracking plastic and knew that Ron had probably trodden on one of Laura's AC/DC CDs…she also knew that Laura would smash her guitar over Ron's head when she found out in a manner highly reminiscent of Pete Townsend… but she probably wouldn't, Clare reasoned, as she knew Laura probably loved her Gibson SG more than she loved Danny. It was a very expensive guitar, after all…

Suddenly, the shower curtain was pulled back and Clare was forced to scream a shrill, glass-shattering scream as she registered what, or rather, _who _was behind it.

It was Madam Pomfrey and she was dressed in a wet suit complete with a mask, flippers, and oxygen tank.

"Miss. Follmann!" exclaimed Madam Pomfrey, extracting the air tube from her mouth. "Wonderful news! You're not pregnant!"

Clare was frozen stiff with the initial shock of seeing the matron in her shower.

"That's right, dear," said Madam Pomfrey. "It seems there was a mistake with the test results; I mixed up yours with young Marcella's! Sorry for any inconvenience."

The bathroom door swung open and Ron Weasley appeared in the doorway, mouth agape.

"Cl-Clare?' he spluttered, " and _Madam Pomfrey? _I knew something was up with you, Clare! Now I know! You're a lesbian!"

There was a period of deafening silence while this sunk in.

"I'm a _what?" _demanded Clare, clueless as to what would have given him such an idea.

"You're a lesbian," Ron repeated, "with Madam Pomfrey! And here I was thinking we had something special… Goodbye, Clare Follmann!"

And he stalked away with as much dignity as he could muster.

"I'm not a lesbian, you know," said Madam Pomfrey before yanking the curtains closed again and vanishing down the drain.

Clare walked out of the bathroom. She was quite sure she had never been called a lesbian before… at least not to her face…

"CLARE! CLARE!" yelled Arielle, entering the dormitory with Cedric.

"Ari," said Clare happily, "I'm not pregnant! …And Ron called me a lesbian and dumped me."

"Fantastic," said Arielle distractedly, "but right now we need to invoke some ancient spiritual magic to bring back Cedric's body."

Forgetting her troubles with Ron momentarily, Clare took a book off the bookshelf titled _How to Invoke Ancient Spiritual Magic to Bring Back Bodies. _

"We'll need Laura," said Clare. "But where is she?"

Arielle shrugged. "I last saw her fighting with Harry Potter in the common room."

Clare rolled her eyes. "Typical. C'mon, let's go," the two girls headed for the stairs and Clare called back to Cedric. "Make sure you don't step on Laura's CDs or break her guitar or she'll exorcise you."

Arielle and Clare found Harry sitting alone on the couch, a worn piece of parchment on his lap…and he was talking to it.

"-Mr. Prongs," he was saying tearfully, "and I really wish you and mum were still here with me."

"Hey, Harry," said Clare, poking the boy in the back.

"I wasn't talking to a map," said Harry automatically, hiding the parchment behind his back.

"Congratulations," said Arielle dully. "However, we'd rather know where Laura is."

"Laura?" Harry frowned. "She went up the boys' staircase looking for Danny half an hour ago. I'm guessing she found him 'cos she didn't come back down."

Arielle and Clare exchanged looks of horror. What on earth could Laura and Danny have been doing for half an hour?

Well, surely you don't need me to spell it out for you? Oh- all right then! S ... E ... X.

"Thanks," said Clare quickly and she and Arielle hurried up the boys' staircase.

They came to the door that led to Danny's dorm in no time.

"You two had better be fully-clothed!" announced Arielle loudly as she pushed the door open.

However, the two girls were greeted with a dark, silent room.

"Laura?" Clare whispered. "Danny? Are you in here?"

There was no reply.

Arielle crossed the dark room to the window and pulled the curtains apart, letting bright sunlight flood the room.

"_In there?" _Clare mouthed to Arielle, pointing to one of the beds, whose curtains had been drawn.

Arielle shrugged and Clare pulled the curtains back. There was Laura and Danny, sleeping soundly. Laura was on her stomach, resting her head on Danny's chest, one of her arms draped across his stomach and Danny was on his back, one arm wrapped around Laura's waist, the other holding Laura's wrist close to his mouth while he sucked on her thumb.

If anyone but Laura's dear friends who had known her for far too long now, the scene might have appeared cute and earned an "aaaaaaaaawwwwwww". However, Arielle and Clare had been friends with Laura since elementary school (and before, in Arielle's case) and found the sight of her sleeping in the same bed with a guy…quite repulsive.

"This would be fantastic blackmail," said Clare, smirking. "Especially after Laura said she didn't like him anymore. Wish I had my camera…"

"They better not have had sex," said Arielle distastefully, "because I cannot deal with another teen pregnancy scandal." She walked over to the side of the bed and gazed down at them. "How do you suggest we wake them up?"

Clare rolled her eyes. "Easy." She stood next to Arielle, put both hands on the bottom of the mattress and flipped in over, sending boy, girl, blanket, sheets, and pillow tumbling off the mattress and into a crumpled heap on the floor.

Laura and Danny awoke with a start.

"…The hell?!" screamed Laura, sitting up so she was sitting on Danny's stomach.

Danny was busy looking cross-eyed at Laura's finger in his mouth. Laura noticed this and pulled it out.

"Ew! What're you doing with my thumb in your mouth!"

Danny looked bewildered. "I don't know."

"Yeah?" Laura took a handful of cloth from Danny's shirt and began to wipe the saliva off her finger. "Well, next time suck on your own thumb!"

Danny sat up too, so Laura was sitting in his lap. "But you're fingers are nicer than mine."

He intertwined his fingers with hers. Laura's cheeks were turning a pinkish colour and Danny was leaning closer. Their lips were a centimetre apart when-

"Alright, lovebirds, break it up," said Clare, sweeping over to them, Arielle in tow. "We've got some ancient magic to invoke to bring back Cedric's body so his spirit can live in it."

"Can we resurrect Bon Scott, too?" Laura asked eagerly, untangling herself from Danny and standing up.

"No, Laura," said Arielle and Clare said monotonously.

"Bugger," said Laura disappointedly, extending her hand to Danny to help him up.

"C'mon, guys," said Clare heading towards the door. "Full moon tonight- that's the best time to do 'em - we have to hurry!"

"So _that's _why you two are being such lunatics," grumbled Arielle, exiting after Clare.

"Shall we?" asked Laura, smiling, offering Danny her arm.

Danny hooked his arm around hers in his and the two of them also left the dormitory.

"You know," Danny said as they descended the staircase, "I am trained to capture any ghosts and spirits that wander from the spiritual plane."

"You touch Bon Scott's spirit, or any other friendly spirit for that matter, and I will…" Laura paused, thinking of a suitable threat, "…I will throw you under the Knight Bus and then I will throw you under the Hogwarts Express, then I will put you on an airplane, then I will blow a hole through the side of the plane where you're sitting with dynamite and you'll get pulled out of the airplane by the change in air pressure and sucked into the jet intake…and then I'll break up with you."

Danny winced. "Alright, I can take a break for one night."

"I wasn't done," said Laura grinning evilly. "Then, I'll drop a bomb on your funeral, then I'll hold a séance, call your spirit, and then exorcise it. So _hah!" _

"I wouldn't want to be a Death Eater when you get through with them."

Laura's grin widened and her eyes glinted insanely. "Heh heh heh… Mwahahahahahahahahahahaha!"

Danny thought about running away, but Laura had a firm grip on his hand. Luckily, they reached the common room before Laura could demonstrate any of her methods of torture. Harry was still talking to the Marauder's Map.

"You see, Dad," he was saying, "there's this girl I like and I don't want Voldemort to hurt-"

"Alright, Potter," said Laura, hovering over his shoulder, "sorry to interrupt your father-son bonding moment, but me, Ari, and Clare wanted to know if you and your posse wanted to invoke ancient magic to bring back Cedric's body so his spirit can occupy it and he can live again."

Harry's eyes lit up. "Can I bring back my parents? And Sirius?"

"You most certainly can not!" said Laura, putting her hands on her hips. "If I'm not allowed to resurrect loved ones, why should you be able to?"

"Laura," said Harry tiredly, "Bon Scott died eleven years before you were even born and you didn't even know who he was until you were thirteen!"

"You didn't know who Sirius was until you were thirteen," Laura pointed out.

Harry cocked his head from side to side, considering this. "Touché."

"OK, Harry," said Clare, "go fetch your friends and bring them to our dormitory in three hours."

Harry frowned. "But what about the staircase? It turns into a slide when guys go up it."

"Plot hole," Laura explained, shrugging.

Harry nodded and left the common room in search of his friends. Laura turned to Danny.

"See you in three hours," Laura said quietly. "Maybe less," she winked suggestively.

"COME ON, LAURA!" yelled Clare from the girls' staircase.

"But almost certainly more.," said Laura, starting to leave. "Bye, love!"

She had taken a mere step away when Danny grabbed her hand and pulled her back to him, kissing her full on the lips to many catcalls and wolf-whistles from the _PERVERTS…_I mean, people in the common room.

"Well," said Laura breathlessly, breaking away, "see you in a bit then, eh?"

"See you," said Danny, grinning.

Laura put her hands on either side of his face and pulled his lips to hers again.

"NOW, LAURA!" shouted Clare. "Stop making out with Danny or I'll take your guitar, ipod, CDs, cell phone, laptop, and all your notebooks you've ever had and throw them in the lake."

Laura managed to pull her face off Danny's reluctantly.

"Bye," she said, her cheeks bright pink.

She caught a glimpse of Arielle and Clare gaping at her from the girls' staircase.

"I mean – er – get the fuck away from me, you pervert!" And with a final wink, Laura turned on her heel and followed Arielle and Clare upstairs.

**"I... I think I'm coveting my own wife!"  
-Ned Flanders, _The Simpsons _**

Three hours later, Laura had showered and changed out of her dance clothes finally and into her pirate costume, highly reminiscent of Captain Jack Sparrow, which she wore on occasions such as these. A circular table had been set up in the middle of the dorm with a fancy white tablecloth (really a bed sheet), white and lavender candles, sandalwood incense, and cinnamon sticks. The sky outside was dark and cloudy and a howling wind whistled back the windows, rain drumming violently on the roof, lightning flashing and thunder clapping ominously.

There was a knock at the door.

"Come in," said Clare from where she sat on her bed, leafing through the book, munching contently on a green apple.

The door opened and Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Danny, and Cedric all filed into the girls' dormitory. The word's "where's Laura?" were on Danny's lips when, with a sudden _BANG, _the bathroom door flew open and Laura stood in the doorway, dressed in her pirate clothes, grinning superiorly.

"…I don't want to know," said Danny, looking mildly disturbed at Laura's attire.

"What've you been doing for the past three hours?" Laura asked Danny while the others saw down around the table, taking his hands in hers.

"Counting down the seconds until saw you again," whispered Danny.

Laura looked doubtful. "How stupid and hopelessly romantic do you think I am?"

Danny grinned sheepishly. "Alright, I was doing homework."

"That's more like it," said Laura, kissing him quickly on the mouth to the disgust of the others.

"Get a room!" said Ginny, scrunching up her nose at the scene in front of her.

Laura stuck out her tongue at the offender. "Hey, mate, this is _my _room! _You _get a fucking room!" and she and Danny took the two empty chairs next to each other.

"OK," said Clare, throwing the apple out the window, "let's get started." The lights in the dormitory went out and the only lights in the room were the candles on the table. "Everyone hold hands."

Laura slipped her hand into Danny's obediently and took Arielle's, who was sitting on her other side.

"Can we call my parents afterwards?" Harry asked, looking around at all the faces glowing in the candlelight.

"If you wanted to speak with them, we'd need someone for one of their spirits to possess temporarily," said Clare.

"That's easy," said Harry. "We'll just use Laura."

"No you bloody well will not!" cried Laura angrily. "_I _don't want your mum or dad taking over my body and possibly never returning it!"

"One can only hope," said Harry, sneering at her.

"Why you little-" Laura lunged across the table and fastened her fingers around Harry's neck, choking him.

"Laura!" cried Clare, shielding the candles from Laura. "Watch it!"

Danny seized Laura's pirate-headband-thingy and pulled her back into her seat. "Chill out," he said, kissing her on the cheek.

Laura huffed and crossed her arms angrily.

"OK," said Clare impatiently. "Let's try this again. Everybody hold hands." Everyone held hands. "Now, we'll have a moment of silence."

There was no sound except for the noises of the storm outside and the clock's ticking. Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock…

"Alright," Clare finally said. "Now, we'll begin the chanting. Repeat after me, _our dearly beloved, Cedric Diggory-"_

But the rest of the chant went unknown because at that moment a brilliant flash of green shone from the gap under the bathroom door and a scream pierced the air.

"I'M AAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEE!"

However, it was not Cedric who said these words. The bathroom door burst open and a certain Mr. Sirius Black came tearing through it, alive as could possibly be…and he was naked.

Why he was naked, even the author is not quite sure. She maintains that it simply came out that way.

"Ah! My virgin eyes!" cried Laura, pulling her tri-cornered hat over her eyes.

Sirius didn't seem to realise that he had just stumbled upon a room with his godson and psychotic friends and continued running across the room, out the door, and down the staircase.

"SIRIUS!" exclaimed Harry, jumping up. "YOU'RE BACK! I DON'T HAVE TO BE EMO ANYMORE!" And he ran down the stairs after his godfather.

"What, is our bathroom some sort of…portal between the worlds of the living and dead?" Laura asked curiously. "Like … to Davy Jones's locker? At world's end?" Her whole face lit up like a child on Christmas morning. "With _Captain Jack Sparrow?_"

"Aha! Just like my dad has in our basement!" shouted Danny, looking pleased with himself.

"No," said Clare, "Madam Pomfrey came through it earlier."

"God dammit," swore Laura and Danny in unison.

Just then, there was a second green flash, the bathroom door opened again and…Lily and James Potter walked out…and they weren't naked, thank God. Laura banged her head repeatedly on the table.

"Have you seen our son, Harry?" asked Lily.

"He's downstairs somewhere," said Clare at the same time Laura said, "He's wanking."

They too exited down the staircase.

"Come on, Laura," said Danny, forcing her to stop banging her head by putting a hand on her forehead. "Stop that. You always said dead people were more interesting than alive ones."

Laura sat up straight in her chair and a manic grin spread slowly across her face. She was out of her chair (knocking it over in the process) and in the bathroom faster than you could say "up is down".

Danny hurried in after her and discovered her leaning over the side of the bath, calling into the drain.

"Bon!" she called. "Bon Scott! Ronald Belford Scott! I'd really appreciate it if you came through this drain! Boooooooon! I'm your biggest fan!"

Danny sat on the bath next to her, shaking his head at this girl's ridiculousness.

Suddenly, there was a flash of brilliant green light, so bright it caught Laura completely by surprise and caused her to tip forward into the bathtub and end up sprawled on the bottom while none other than Albus Dumbledore stood over her…he was also fully clothed, thank God.

"Oh no," said Laura grumpily, "not you! Why can't it ever be Bon? BUGGER!"

"Because actually meeting him might greatly disappoint you," said Danny.

"Where did Snape go?" asked Dumbledore, looking around the bathroom. "More importantly, where the hell am I?"

"The bathroom in the dormitory I share with Arielle and Clare," said Laura, sitting up.

"Excellent," said Dumbledore, stepping out of the bath. "Now if you'll excuse me, I must give Minerva a heart attack then go haunt Snape. Adieu, adieu, adieu, to yer and yer and yer."

And with a regal bow, he left.

"Well," said Danny, staring after the deceased Headmaster, "that was unexpected."

"Oh, shut your face," said Laura.

She grabbed Danny by his collar and pulled him into the bathtub on top of her.

**Fin. **

_The author reserves the right not to make sense_

* * *

**Read on, if you dare! **


	3. Chapter 3

**Clare is a Cheesy Lobster Head on Bread**

**(The Un-rated Version) **

**Part II**

"I'M AAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEE!" shouted a voice coming from the baffroom.

Clare watched a naked Sirius run out of the girls' dormitory bathroom, and into the girls' dormitory.

"GAH!!" she screamed, and covered her eyes with part of the séance's cream-coloured tablecloth, which were actually bed sheets, as Laura shouted "Ah! My virgin eyes!"

Both girls ducked under the table so as to not see a naked Sirius's rather large dingle-dangle.

"Oh its not like you've never seen a naked guy before!" shouted Arielle happily at Clare and Laura.

Sirius stared blankly around him, his manly parts being manly. His dark eyes skimmed over the children, and suddenly, and with the agility of a man who has not been dead for 3 years, he leapt over the séance table, and ran toward the dormitory door.

Arielle, who was still above the table, did not shield her un-virgin eyes, and so she watched Sirius's naked bum-cheeks as he tore out of the dormitory.

"SIRIUS!" Harry shouted, leaping up, and knocking his expensive wooden séance table chair over as he raced to the door. "YOU'RE BACK! I DON'T HAVE TO BE EMO ANYMORE!"

"Wow… he looks good for someone who has been dead for three years" said Ginny, looking thoughtfully at the door, which her boyfriend and her boyfriend's dead godfather's godson's dead godfather had disappeared.

"What, is our bathroom some sort of portal between the worlds of the living and the dead?" asked Laura, furiously, scrambling out from under the table.

"Aha! Just like my dad has in our basement!" shouted Danny, looking pleased with himself.

"No it can't be!" said Clare automatically, reemerging from beneath the séance table, "Madam Pomfrey came through it earlier."

Suddenly, all the children's heads turned as the door opened to reveal a distraught looking Lily and James potter.

"You're not naked!" Arielle said with a slight disappointed tone to her creepy voice.

"Why would we be?" asked James quietly to Arielle as Lily asked, "Have you seen Harry?"

"He's somewhere downstairs, chasing a naked man who can change into a dog," Clare answered as Laura exclaimed loudly, "HE'S WANKING!"

"To the downstairs!" shouted Lily, throwing her arm in the air, not unlike a superhero, as her husband turned into a moose named Prongs.

As you very well know, mooses named Prongs do not usually wear thongs…or clothes, which pleased Arielle very much. Lily leapt onto Prong's back and he trotted out of the dormitory, shaking his little cottontail at the girls and the Fenton.

Clare turned her head back from staring at the dormitory door. She decided, instead to stare at the bathroom door, where Laura and Danny had suddenly disappeared. The door opened ominously, and out the door popped a very much alive Dumbly-door who was wearing that weird purple cloak he died in. He looked very surprised at ending up in a girl's dormitory, and even more surprised as he noticed the three girls huddling around a séance table.

"And adieu to yer, yer and yer!" he said breathlessly.

And with that, he marched out of their dormitory.

Silence settled over the séance table (ooooh alliteration!!!), as the girls still stared shocked at the dormitory door.

"Uh. Did a naked Sirius Black, a moose named Prongs who had a Lily named Lily riding him, and a Dumbly-door just walk out of our bathroom?" asked Clare, who was, in fact, scared witless.

"Of course not!" said Arielle briskly, and the three girls focused their attention back on brining Cedric back to life.

"You know what? I don't think I'm going to focus on bringing Cedric back to life right now" said Ginny, looking slightly perplexed.

"Why ever not?" asked Arielle in a perplexing creepy voice.

"I don't know what 'perplexed' means" said Clare smiling stupidly.

"…I think I'm gonna go… now…" said Ginny, staring at Clare.

She then tore out of the dormitory, exclaiming very loudly, "STOP! DON'T TOUCH ME THERE! THIS IS MY PRIVATE SQUARE! R-A-P-E, GET YOUR HANDS AWAY FROM ME!"

This was all very perplexing to both Clare and Arielle, and it would have been perplexing to Laura too, if she had been listening to the Ginny. But she was not, and back in the dormitory, the two girls that were left could hear highly disturbing 'Unf' noises coming from the bathroom where Sirius, Dumbly-door, Lily and Prongs Potter had come, and where a young Scottish lad named Laura Weatherer was doing questionable things to, or with, a pigeon named Danny Fenton.

"Um, Ari? Do you hear that?" asked Clare.

"_Unf unf unf_ " responded the two people in the bathroom.

"You don't think they're…. Not Laura! She's so immature! She wouldn't know what goes where!" replied Arielle; slightly aghast at the horrid thought of Laura trying to figure out what goes where.

"_QUE HACES DES NUUUUUUUUUDAS???" _questioned a girl in the bathroom.

"Eeew, I use that bathroom to bathe! And poo! And apply various amounts of make-up!" cried Clare, glaring at the wood, very flammable wood bathroom door.

"_Ram that glans against the epidermis of the uvula_!" shouted a Danny in the bathroom.

"Yes…ANYHOO! SHALL WE BEGIN?" Arielle asked while shouting very loudly to block out the noises the persons in the bathroom were emitting.

"OF…COURSE…WE…SHALL!" Clare responded.

Both girls grasped each other's hand, not out of love towards each other, but because the séance book told them to.

"EEEW CLARE! YOUR HANDS ARE VERY SWEATY!" said Arielle loudly in disgust.

Clare made a face at Arielle, and then shut her blue eyes. Arielle did the same, only her eyes weren't blue, they were brown. Then both girls breathed in through their noses, and out through their mouths, trying to calm down, and ignore the noises in the baffroom. After a few minutes, Arielle, using a creeeeepy voice, began to speak.

"_Our beloved Cedric, we ask that you commune with us and move among us" _

Clare repeated this, "_Our beloved Cedric, we ask that you commune with us and move among us"_

Both the girls continued to chant this sentence, louder and louder until, suddenly a moaning noise was audible over the chanting and the other moaning noises in the bathroom. Only, this moaning noise was not a moan one makes when one is pleasuring one and in turn being pleasured. No, this moaning was the moaning of a certain Cedric Diggory.

Cedric Diggory appeared out of thin air, as some ghosts do. He had a very relaxed look on his face, and he had his hand in a certain place that made Clare blush, and Arielle look annoyed.

"Um, what exactly were you doing?" Arielle asked suspiciously, starring at Cedric's hand in his trousers.

"Um, absolutely nothing! Not watching Laura and Danny go at it, of course not!" replied Cedric, retrieving his hand from his trousers.

"Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm… ok" said Clare, wondering what to do next.

"Wait… this was a séance book, right?" asked Arielle.

Clare nodded her head, keeping her eyes not on Cedric, but instead on the book called: This is a Séance Book. 

"Don't séances just call spirits? How do we get him in his body?" asked Arielle, frantically.

"Yeah, and where is his body?" asked Clare concernedly.

"Well, I have his body under my bed, but that still doesn't help us, not unless we find out how to put the spirit back in it" replied Arielle more frantically.

"Wait, you have Ced's body under your bed?" asked Clare, "Why was it there? What were you doing to it…?"

Clare trailed off, as she realized exactly what Arielle was doing to the dead Cedric's body. Cedric, on the other hand, remained oblivious to Arielle's necrophilia to his dead body, and simply hovered in the air, his ghostly body reflecting the many dangerous candles that were laid about on the crème tablecloth. Arielle muttered sheepishly about needing a different séance book, then, suddenly, she dove under her bed.

Under-the-beds, as many know, are highly dangerous black holes. They also are the home to many things that go bump in the night. So you can imagine the fear that Clare felt as she watched her necrophilia friend go under her bed.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…OOOOOOOOO…00000.OOO0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0OO0O0O0O0O" screamed Clare at her friend's under-bed.

She then got very tired of screaming the opposite of yes at her friend's under bed, so instead, she struck up a conversation with Mr. Perverted Cedric, to figure out exactly what Laura was doing.

After a couple of minutes, Clare began to wonder if Arielle had drowned.

She had not.

After a few more minutes, and after a very excited scream from the bathroom, Clare wondered whether she had ought to go and look for Arielle's-dead-body.

She did not.

Clare waited a couple more minutes, and then, when all hope seemed lost for her dear disturbed and dreadful friend, her dear disturbed and dreadful friend came clamoring out of her under-bed, clutching a book in her left hand, and a dead Cedric body in her right hand. Her clothes were burned in several places, and she had sand in her hair. She was wearing odd clothes, like the kind of clothes one wears after a trip to the desert. Clare thought it best not to ask.

She did not… yet.

"Aha! I have found the book! The one and only book! The one and only book that will! The one and only book that will put! The one and only book that will put Cedric! The one and only book that will… um… I've also found Cedric's-dead-body…" Arielle stopped being stupid. (Ha!)

"Did you find Laura's-dead-body?" asked Clare excitedly.

"Um… no." said Arielle being confused, "But look!"

Clare looked.

Arielle was holding the new book she had retrieved from under her bed, it was called How to put Cedric's Spirit Back into his Dead Body.

"It's by the same author," Arielle explained.

This really wasn't the explanation to any of Clare's questions at the moment, but she rolled with it. The author was L.C.M. Weatherer. Clare hummed the Twighlight zone theme song. Arielle told her to cut it out.

She did.

Arielle and Clare both read the book. Very quickly. Cedric hovered over to the book written by L.C.M. Weatherer, promptly poking his eye in the process. Clare and Arielle finished the book, and exchanged horrified glances.

"You do it!" said Arielle retching slightly.

"No you! You're his girlfriend! You said you'd die for him!" Clare wheezed.

"I'll do it!" shouted Cedric, triumphantly.

"No! You are him!" said Clare, distractedly.

"Wait!" said Arielle, smiling evilly, which is usually Laura's job, "Laura'll do it!"

"Yes, yessss indeed!" hissed Clare.

"Right-o!" said Cedric.

Clare glanced over at the bathroom door again.

"LAURA! C'MERE!" she yelled.

"Huh?" came a slightly muffled voice from the loo.

"Oh for the love of—" muttered Arielle, reaching into her purse for her wand. "Accio Laura!" she yelled expectantly.

Sure enough, Laura came waddling out of the bathroom, her hair messy, her imaginary glasses askew, and her tee shirt inside out.

"Ya' know that's not your wand, Ari." Laura said bored. "That's a free perfume sample from Hecht's."

"You mean Macy's!" said Clare, then after noticing Laura's disheveled appearance, she added, "What were you doing?"

"Bugger off" Laura replied, ruffling up Clare's hair, "So! What do yaw want me fer?" she asked, plomping down on a rare vacant spot on her crowded bed.

She picked up Arielle's copy of _Witch Weekly_ and started rifling through it, squeaking at various rumors about the whereabouts of various famous magical persons. Clare grinned at Arielle, who grinned back at Clare, who grinned at Cedric, who freaked out and screamed jingle bells.

"Oh nothing, dearie, nothing at all. Ah ha ha ha," said Arielle in her creepy voice, inching towards Laura slowly and with rope.

"Ah ha ha what? What are you doing? Why do you have rope, why's Ced's hand in his trousers? Does Voldemort have a penis?" asked Laura in a slightly worried voice.

"Nothing, No reason, I don't know I don't know" came Clare's candid reply.

Laura's green eyes darted around the room, and fell onto the new séance book. She read a few sentences on the page, and her pale face became even paler. Sweat began to drip down her long, arching neck. Her pupils began to dilate, and her head feverish. She took a few frantic deep breaths, and screamed. A white tube sock flashed through the air, whacking her right temple with a sickening thud. She gave an involuntary shudder, and she was still. A small bubble of blood formed where the tube sock had hit her. It traced a bright red line down her elegant face, and trickled into her open mouth.

"Ohhhhhhh I wanted to hit her!" Clare moaned irritably, as Arielle put her tube sock back on, an evil glint in her brown eyes.

"Shut up, and hand me that vial." Arielle glared at Clare, who handed over the glass science vial. Arielle snatched it out of Clare's hands and stuck it under the trickle of Laura blood. Arielle poured the single drop of salty human blood onto the fire, and blew slowly at the flame, muttering the words in the book. Wind rushed around the dormitory, knocking certain objects to the ground, and other certain objects to the tablecloths, which began to burn slowly. The wind flew towards stupid Cedric, enveloping him in a cloudy mist. His body flowed up into the mist as well. A scream of sick glee escaped Arielle's throat, and Clare ran from the séance table to go sit by Cedric Diggory. The wind stopped, and there was Cedric's rotting corpse standing, and moving, and breathing, and jacking off. Arielle shouted and ran to her beloved.

"Oh Cedric! Oh Ced! I am so happy! Now we can finally…" she trailed off, her eyes darting to Clare.

Clare stood up, glaring at Arielle. "Oh hell no, Bitch! Get yo oooown room. Or go to that magic room what changes at will to your will, eh? Make it a romantic love suite? Or a dungeon? What ever floats yer boat, eh?"

"Arielle, my dear, lets go stick my dingle dangle into your—" stated Cedric, tugging on Arielle's sleeve.

"SHUTTING UP NOW!" cried Clare, watching her friend take a dead corpse to have sex down the dormitory stairs, and into the Common room. Clare heard the satisfying screams of the people who once knew Cedric in the common room, and laughed slightly to her self.

"Oi! What smells like Clare's cooking?" asked a Laura, regaining consciousness.

"What? WEST ELM!" shouted Clare, staring at the newborn flames leaping around the dormitory.

The dorm had in itself six four-poster oak wooden beds, one for each of the occupants. Hermione, Lavender, Parvati, Clare, Laura, and Arielle. These beds had wonderfully silk gold sheets, and a cushy soft red blanket on the top. The sheets were sewn with the initials of whoever slept in the bed.  
At the base of the bed was an oak trunk painted red and gold to coordinate itself with the house colors. Each trunk was bewitched to fit whatever was needed to be shoved inside them, books, clothes etc.  
An oak nightstand was present at the sides of the bed, some with alarm clocks, and others with teetering stacks of CD's.  
A large rug was on the floor cutting the room in an equal half, three beds on one side, and three on the other, with a lovely window that stared out across the grounds, letting in a wonderful glow of the full moonlight.  
Across the room were two oak doors, one leading into the common room, and the other, leading into the bathroom. (these doors liked to switch on the occupants of the bedroom, so, occasionally, when Laura was taking a dump, and the girls wanted to get out, they'd open the common room door to find a Laura looking at porn).  
Clare had the bed closest to the window, and Laura was in the middle bed, opposite Hermione's bed. The séance table was pushed against the end of Arielle's bed, opposite Lavender's bed, and nearest to the bathroom. All in all, they had a rather flammable bedroom.

And the séance table was splintering in the roar of the flames, setting Ari's neat bed on fire.

"Holy crap, 50 and west elm, the hypothetical HELL did you do Clare?" asked Laura, running toward her bed, opposite the flames.

"Nothing! It was Cedric's dead body!" shouted Clare, scrambling up one of Laura's posts on her four-poster bed.

"What?" shrieked Laura, throwing a shirt at the large engulfing flames. This didn't work, so she began to throw pillows.

"Stop throwing things at it! You're making it angry!" shouted Clare, throwing a perfume sample at the fire, and Laura's AC (lightening bolt) DC sock at the steadily increasing fire.

"Hey! My AC (lightening bolt) DC sock! That cost me money!" yelled Laura, filling her lungs up with smoke.

"We need air!" shouted Clare, making her way to the window. She heaved at it with all her teenage might, and managed to open it. She took a deep rattling breath of the cold, wet, Scotland air, and was contemplating jumping into the pukey bushes when she saw, in the distance, a broomstick. But this was no ordinary broomstick! It was flying! Not only was it flying, but also it was flying with two massive figures on it! It was Ron and a mysterious figure one may guess to be Hermione.

"RON? RON! OVER HERE! OUR DORMITORY!" shouted Clare, waving her long arms to get Ron's attention.

Sure enough, the broomstick flew towards the flaming dormitory. And on it, was indeed the flaming coloured haired one named Ron, with the bushy haired one called Hermione.

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU GUYS DO?" eexclaimed Ron in fright.

"That's a long story, but if you don't mind, I wouldn't want to be bu-" Began Clare, ignoring Laura's futile attempts to fend off the fire with a whip and a chair as if she were a lion tamer.

" WAIT A MINUTE! I KNOW WHAT YOU DID!" exclaimed Ron, pointing triumphantly at Clare with a quivering finger, "YOU WERE MAKING MAD HOT PASSIONATE LOVE TO LAURA, AND IN YOUR HEATED PASSION, YOU SET YOUR DORMITORY ON FIRE! WELL YOU SUCK!"

"…The HELL?" cried Clare in annoyance at Ron's ignorance.

"Yeah, and now you want me to save you! Well too bad, 'A 'cos…" (He continued)

But Clare had enough of Ron's insane prattling. So she marched over to Laura's bed, sidestepping Laura, dragged something out from under Laura's bed, and threw it at Ron. It was a Colin Creevy. His balanced body spun in the air just missing Hermione and Ron, who had begun to snog nosily. Ron grunted in Hermione's open mouth and saw the Colin tumble to the ground shouting nonsense about Harry Potter.

Ron turned to Clare, and exclaimed, "You have a Colin?"

"No, we have two!" Clare shouted back, throwing another Colin out of the window.

This time, he met his target. Colin hit Ron hard in the face, and knocked him right off the broom. Hermione, being a skanky dumbass, tilted the broom to the ground, and fell, on top of Ron, into the pukey bushes with a squelch.

"BASTARD!" Clare screamed out of the open window, at the two intertwined figures, rolling around in Laura's puke-bush.

Clare squinted her eyes at the bodies, ignoring Laura's shouts and grunts as she threw various flammable things onto the fire, and noticed that the two bodies seemed suddenly so close together they appeared to be one body.

"West Elm, I don't believe it, they are making love in the puke-bush." whispered Clare in complete frustration, pulling at her brown, slightly singed hair.

"Where? I need to know what goes where" crowed Laura, leaping and bounding, like a deer, over the flames, and into Clare's arms. "Oh…. That's good to know" she said after watching the teenagers in the bushes.

Clare sighed in frustration. Suddenly her face lit up… well yes because it was on fire, but also 'cos she had a thought.

"Hey Laura?" shouted Clare, stamping out the flames on the hem of her floofy, white skirt she was wearing, "Is Danny still in the loo?"

Laura thought for a moment, hobbling on one foot, for the fire had taken her shoe. "Ah.. no, see he went back to his dorm 'cos we was being silly"

"Damn"

"Too right"

The entire dorm was burning, sheets were engulfed in flames, and bits of homework flew into the air, which was wavery in the extreme heat. The beautifully carved bedposts were being swallowed in the red-orange and slightly blue fire, and their trunks were splintering open, like Christmas crackers, revealing the girls' precious possessions, which only fed to the fire's fury.

"Hey Laura?"

"Yeah?" asked Laura.

Laura watched forlornly at her CD cases melting, and she screamed a hopeless banshee-like wail at the sight of her poor guitar, surrendering to the fire. She felt as if she was loosing a best friend. 'Cos everyone knows a guitar is more of a best friend than a stupid broomstick.

"Per-perhaps we ought to… pee on the fire?"

Clare gazed at the flames, which were eating countless novels of fiction and spell craft and her very own laptop I-pod and everything else she had brought burned and turned into ash.

"Eww… you go first" came Laura's hesitant reply.

"It's almost like we're witches" Clare pulled at her skirt, " being burned at the stake…" She took off her white skirt, and was about to remove her knickers, when a familiar voice shouted above the flames

"Only few real witches were burned 'cos muggles are so stupid…"

"… And those witches who _were _caught and burned knew how to put a simple tickling charm on themselves…"

Clare and Laura spun around and saw, just outside the open window, two identical dreadful speckled mugs staring in at the fire with looks of pure amusement, finishing each others sentences as if they were a very obnoxious couple, the kind that always argue over who should hang up first. Clare shrieked, and pulled on her half burned skirt, while Laura stared, mouth agape at their new rescuers, a small flame suddenly sparked on her sleeve. George picked up where Fred had trailed off, smiling bemusedly,

"…Or at least they could us the charm _aguify_…"

And with that, water spurted from the ends of the twins' wands, (Ha ha ha ha ha…) soaking the dorm and the two WHITE CLAD girls, and drenching the fire with one loud sizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzle. Smoke, now, filled the dorm, forcing Clare and Laura to squeeze their eyes shut and cough out the smoke from their lungs. But Clare had to see her rescurers, and through slitted eyes, she watched as the twins leapt down from their broomsticks, and landed in unison, on the wet and burnt floor. The steady stream of moonlight illuminated them, which was extremely visible as it reflected off the smoke. The entire room was charred and wet, the floor slick, and tendrils of smoke drifted slowly towards the ceiling. George walked over to the girls, fanning his hand to get rid of the smoke, and let out his own, shattering cough, while Fred inspected the damage, and made note of each burnt item on a pad of paper he had whipped out from his back pocket. He soon disappeared through the thick white smoke walking towards the bathroom.

The girls stood, soot smeared, cold and wet, huddled next to Laura's bed, dripping water, a small, determined flame still danced on Laura's sleeve. George noticed it and quickly blew it out, and Clare couldn't help notice a heart shaped freckle above his rather attractive lips. He coughed again, noticing her vivid blue-green eyes.

"Are you two (cough) okay, fine and dandy?" George asked seriously.

The girls blinked several times, their eyes streaming from the smoke, before Clare spoke. Laura quickly glanced over at her dead guitar, and whimpered.

"Y-yeah… right?" stammered Clare, as Laura just nodded her head, still staring at her guitar, which was also being examined by Fred.

George lit his wand tip and inspected Clare's burned leg and cheek, stroking his chin expertly. He examined her up and down, not lingering WHATSOEVER on her clearly visible bra, because he was a good natured and kind un-perverted boy. He turned to look at Laura, who had frolicked over to stare at the remnants of her guitar, a few strings sticking out at odd angles, and the neck completely severed from the other part… The part with the hole where the sound…. I know nothing about guitars, okay? It was broken. That's all ya need to know. Laura was conferring with Fred about the selling of guitars in Hogsmeade.

George stared worriedly at Clare through the smoke. He bit his lip, and Clare's insides squirmed as she fought off a smile.

"I think you ought to go to Madame Pomfrey, Clare," he said concernedly.

"Why? So I can have a lesbian relationship with her in _her_ loo this time? What did Ron tell you? Little bugger…." Clare responded through gritted teeth.

"No… so you can get those burns healed," His face broke out into a sly smile, "and… a hospital dress that I wont be able to see right through." He tilted his head a tad as Clare, scandalized, crossed her arms over her chest, and after a thought he added, "Although, I'm thinking the last part isn't truly necessary, eh?"

He took his thumb, and wiped a streak of soot off Clare's scandalized face, and despite herself, Clare grinned, and nodded her head. She was temporarily glad for the thick smoke, which obscured her blushing cheeks. One wouldn't think a wet, smoky, charred and black dorm would be romantic, but the way the way the smoke curled lazily towards the ceiling and how the floor sparkled from the wet really was rather… romantic. Things were about to get a lot more lovey-dovey and cutsy-wutsy, until a shout of frustration came from the other side of the room, ruined the mood. Clare pulled her long, thin wand delicately from her sleeve and lit it, following George towards the commotion at the black charred doors.

"Why is the door to the bathroom opening every time I open this door?" asked Fred, as he shut it and opened it again.

He had his sleeve on the handle, so his hand wouldn't burn from the hot metal. Laura was glaring at the doors with a Sawyer (from LOST) type glare.

"Because it's the door to the bathroom?" asked Clare sarcastically. George smiled quietly.

"Well then, Miss Sarcastic-pants, what does this door open to?" He pointed at the door that usually led to the staircases that led to the common room.

"Um. The staircases that lead to the common room?" George asked, also sarcastically.

"WRONG!" Fred pulled open the door, and there was the bathroom. He repeated this several times until Laura spoke up.

"Every time! The doors are messed up! Remember how the doors change on us when I am… using the restroom? They won't change back! They're like, stuck on bathroom mode."

Clare tapped the doorknobs with her wand quickly and muttered "A_lohamora_" but the doors weren't locked. Just… broken.

She sighed in frustration, and leaned against Lavender's bedpost, which cracked and she fell onto the ashy bed. Coughing up soot, she took George's large, outstretched hand, and he pulled her up, and held her, protectively in his arm. Laura waggled her eyebrows, thinking.

"Maybe they don't work no more…though why not, I couldn't say… maybe the fire… burns wood?" Fred nodded to himself. He shrugged. "Back to the broomsticks, I'm afraid."

Wand tips lit, the cohorts made their way toward the window, two by two, twins in front and the girls trailing behind them. Laura glanced at Clare, staring at George's shexy back, and smirked. They reached the window, and saw the brooms, floating attentively outside. And Clare inched slowly over toward George.

"Ok, Laura, you can ride on my broom, but don't touch the twigs, and no backseat driving, got it? I'd let you ride it with Clare, but you'd probably set it on fire, or… eat it…"

Laura made a face, but scrambled non-too-gracefully onto the ledge, and onto the broom. Fred winced as she bent a couple twigs, and he leapt out of the window onto it, pushing off the castle's stonewall, and shooting off into the bright snowy night.

George followed, leaping out and landing, still standing on his broom. He reached a hand out to Clare, who smiled and took the hand. She was pulled onto the broom, and she sat down, supported by George's strong arms, sitting sidesaddle on the broom. He, too kicked off, and snow falling from the sky stung Clare's face, and she burrowed into George's back, who then automatically beamed to the world in front of his broom.


End file.
